You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
