last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
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