She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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