Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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