i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
