i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
