Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
