If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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