he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
