My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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