1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
