i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
