you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
