No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Girls should come with a carfax report
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
