New low: just hacked my moms facebook
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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