phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
