if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
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