Moan for me like Helen Keller
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
