I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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