I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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