Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize
