Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
