Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Randomize
