Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
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