Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
