Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
