my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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