if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
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