I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
