I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
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