My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
