I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize