if i can run in heels then i can drive
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Where is the hickey?
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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