To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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