I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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