I want to have your abortion
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
We named our party play list daddy issues
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
