I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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