Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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