Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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