worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
