And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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