My first STD was from a foam party
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
