I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize