This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
