i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
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