You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
