woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
