My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
