apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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