I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
