I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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