I wish I could teleport
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
