i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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