I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
