he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
