either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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