dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
