Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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