please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I deserve this hangover.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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