I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
