she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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